Closing Your Eyes – Emotional Denial
Being part of a relationship and building it is not easy. It is a complex puzzle full of feelings of emptiness, fears, needs, hopes and frustrations. However, it is also an ongoing adventure worth living at any age and at any time because it cares for and builds us and makes us grow as individuals.
Of the many things that gnaw at a relationship that pull spouses in different directions, the biggest challenge is the misunderstanding : “You just don’t understand me” or “You don’t see what hurts me”.
Perhaps the saying “men are from Mars, women from Venus” is true. But often misunderstandings arise solely from “emotional denial”. It happens when a person knows that something is wrong but chooses either consciously or unconsciously not to see and recognize it.
Emotional denial is a defense mechanism that allows people to avoid identifying existing problems. And unfortunately, that is a very common course of action in relationships.
A mask that hides the problem
Emotional denial can manifest in many ways. Here are some examples:
Case 1
We have a woman whose unhappiness suffocates her day by day, but she refuses to recognize it. He lives with his partner and they have been together for many years. They have had trivial things in the past that have now become huge black holes. He is a sarcastic man who often ridicules his partner and belittles him publicly and also privately. The man expresses it, and the woman’s self-esteem has dropped considerably.
A woman tells herself that a man does not try to hurt him with his jokes, but he loves a woman and such is the way he is; it is not exploitation. This is an emotional denial. He himself justifies his partner’s behavior and denies his own reality, unhappiness, low self-esteem, and humiliation.
Case 2
In the next case, we have a young woman who no longer feels charming to her spouse as she was when they started dating. She doesn’t experience the enthusiasm to meet her, she no longer has any fun with the man at all, and the man she thinks is no longer interesting. However, he does not dare to say anything about this to the man, but instead hopes the man will notice his changed behavior towards the man.
But what happens? The man realizes very well that something is missing, that something is wrong, but he doesn’t want to recognize it and is pretending to notice nothing. He chooses emotional denial in order to avoid the problem.
As you can see, emotional denial, that is, believing that nothing is wrong, is a defense mechanism that is very often used in relationships. It is a clear sign of insecurity and immaturity and it hides many personal fears.
How to face emotional denial
Whether emotional denial is exercised by either party to the relationship, it causes the relationship to deteriorate. How can we stop recourse to this frustrating general defense mechanism?
Remember these things:
- Understand, first, that denial is a defense mechanism. It is meant to protect us, but in the long run it is harmful.
- If your partner is the one who uses it, show him that denying the truth will not make things disappear or magically make them better. Keep in mind, however, that it won’t be easy for your partner to admit that he or she has resorted to the defense mechanism in the first place. You face a lot of resistance.
- You need to reverse this confrontation to your advantage. When you face denial, provide evidence in return. Don’t you see that when you act like that, you hurt me? Do you know that acting this way pushes me away from you? Every action has a consequence, and even more so in a relationship where there is a need to strike a balance between strength and emotional input. If one invests more in a relationship than the other, or one always loses, the relationship deteriorates day by day.
- In order to cope with emotional denial, we need to go through the same process as with losses. First comes the shock phase, then the reaction phase, or anger, and then the processing phase. But little by little we see reality and can face it as strong and courageous, we accept what has happened.
That shot is worth it.
