Don’t Say This To An Anxious

What do you say to the anxious? How do you react to a loved one who is about to have a panic attack? People usually tell a person to calm down and not worry, but the effect of such words is quite the opposite of what you expect. Yes, even if you mean good. So don’t tell the anxious to calm down.

Anxiety cannot be controlled at will, because the anxious brain is different. They do not have any on / off switch, but the mechanism is much more subtle. So such advice only puts more pressure on the anxious person and makes him feel even more uncomfortable.

Albert Ellis shows in his book How to Make Yourself Happy that anxiety is a form of mental suffering. It is quite powerful and destructive and completely limits human potential. The interesting thing here is that the first step to better managing it is not to reject it and accept its presence. Namely, mental pain is one part of humanity, and no one is safe from it.

So when you encounter an anxious person, don’t tell him or her to relax. Don’t tell her she shouldn’t be so neurotic and that she should stop caring. Don’t specifically tell him that what he feels isn’t real. Such sentences only block communication, so you do not hear an accurate account of a person’s situation.

Don’t tell the anxious not to worry

An anxious person would like to calm down. If he wanted something, then make that feeling in the stomach stop. Why would anyone want to feel muscle tension and palpitations? The hustle and bustle of disturbing thoughts that is difficult to control is not a pleasant feeling. People who go through this psychic reality often believe they will have a heart attack or go crazy.

Thus, telling the anxious not to worry is like telling the drowning to come out of the water. They can do nothing about it, and in reality they need more help from us. You should also consider something else: anxiety usually occurs without warning.

The demon of anxiety usually arrives at the most innocent and unexpected moment. And then someone close usually assures you that there is nothing to worry about, that everything is fine and that the person himself is causing that condition to himself.

Such utterances only make the situation worse.

Less advice and more compassion

Don’t tell an anxious person not to worry. Don’t tell him to relax and wake up and smell the coffee. Don’t do either of these two things for one simple reason: the brains trapped in anxiety don’t listen because they’re in a state of emergency. They are incapable of handling orders, suggestions, and well-meaning advice. If you do this, you will soon find your advice useless. Because if an anxious person expects something from you, then compassion.

Sometimes the best course of action is not to say anything. It is enough to just be present and tell the person that he can trust you with everything he needs. There will soon be an opportunity to look for suitable strategies. But sometimes it’s only best to be another lighthouse, a strong fortress in front of those struggling in waves, crises and storms.

A study conducted at the Department of Psychopharmacology at the University of Chemin de Ronde in Paris states that the brains of distressed people are dominated by cortisol, adrenaline and noradrenaline. Such people say that it is very difficult for them to think in such a state, so any advice is quite useless in these circumstances. 

What to say to an anxious person?

If you’re wondering what to say to an anxious person, the answer is easy: talk less, do more. Instead of giving well-meaning advice, watch and be close. Try to understand what the person is going through. Above all, understand that anxiety is different. What works for one may not work for another.

The best thing you can do is ask, for example, “how can I help you?” or “I know you’re stressed now and you don’t seem to be able to do anything about it, so just breathe together at that time”. Sometimes it is enough for the person close to you to be calm and reassuring. Later, you may be able to help the person seek help, but in the meantime they can act and show caring and compassion. It’s easier than it seems.