Excessive Kindness: A Way Of Self-sabotage

We meet a wide variety of people during our lives. Some of them encourage us with their kindness and help to continue our lives. Some make this difficult. Each of us decides who we want to keep close to us and who to push away from us to avoid a backseat.

We have certainly all asked ourselves why some are always ready to help. We have certainly also asked what really motivates them to do so, even when we are not even asking for help. Kindness is characteristic of these people. They are always ready to offer help.

We might believe that kindness is always good because it helps us feel good and useful.  But just like everything else, excessive kindness is something we should avoid. That is when it becomes a way to combat our own needs in order to help others.

Sometimes we are so kind to others that we forget ourselves, and that’s how we let everyone house us underneath. We believe we should always be comfortable, and as a result, we make ourselves invisible.

Excessive kindness is a way to make ourselves invisible

Sometimes we give so much to others that we stop thinking about ourselves. Let’s even think of a typical situation where a mother does her best for the well-being of her children and worries about them so much that she forgets her own needs.

Of course, we are not saying that others should not be helped, but we are saying that just focusing on this is bad for us. This results in us wanting to satisfy everyone else, either because they are asking for help, or because we think they need help. We are committed to helping them at all costs.

Believe it or not, excessive kindness can be uncomfortable even from the point of not letting others do what they want because we are always helping them. We can focus so much on what they need that we don’t even realize they don’t necessarily want help.

In this way, we make ourselves invisible through our own actions. When we always worry about others, we put ourselves last, we belittle ourselves.

When our kindness doesn’t let us say “no”

It can also be the case that we value kindness too much. Because we believe we need to be kind, we don’t set boundaries and end up saying yes to all the little requests. And of course we also want to do everything we can to be good people.

What’s wrong here? If we do something that does us no harm, then there is nothing wrong with it. But let’s imagine that just because we want to be kind, we decide to experience all kinds of uncomfortable situations. Do you want to feel bad just to be nice to others?

We often fall into this trap and think that we have to accept everything we are asked to do, that we have to please others the way they want. But what about ourselves? There is nothing good at the extremes. Of course, we can show kindness while setting limits for ourselves.

Disadvantages of excessive kindness

Excessive kindness brings with it many negative things. Let us consider the following disadvantages of overflowing kindness so that we do not neglect ourselves:

• Uncertainty.

• Low self-esteem.
• Poor self-awareness.
• Less authentic relationships.
• Feeling of guilt.
• Interdependent relationships.
• Increased anxiety.
• Need for approval.

These are just a few of the disadvantages of overflowing kindness. It is a vicious circle in which we neglect ourselves. We feel we are not valuable enough and therefore create relationships where we always expect the other person to need something. When that person is not present, we do not know what to do. Being alone with ourselves is starting to become difficult.

Strategies to help us avoid excessive kindness

While excessive kindness can become a part of us, there are things we can do to be kind in a healthy way. By changing this, we can value ourselves as we deserve and also establish more authentic relationships.

• Setting boundaries. Let’s let people know what our own boundaries are. Let’s tell them things we don’t like, things we don’t want to do, things that make us uncomfortable, etc. By doing so, they know what they can ask of us and what they can’t ask for.
• Let us not feel guilty. Sometimes you just have to say no. Let’s not feel guilty if we didn’t do service to someone or if we weren’t always there to help. This does not mean we are not friendly.
• Let’s make a list of our priorities. We can be for others without neglecting ourselves. Let’s organize our priorities and decide what comes first. By doing this, we know how much time we have for others.

• Let’s be self-aware. Let’s learn about ourselves and our desires to make it easier for us to set boundaries. We will understand our feelings, our thoughts, and why it is so difficult to put ourselves first.

As we can see, it’s just that we give ourselves more attention. This is not difficult. If we want to show kindness to others, we can do the same for ourselves. Let’s not forget that kindness is important, but only to the right extent.

The price of excessive kindness is leaving ourselves in the background. Being kind in the right way means we trust and value ourselves.

Also, let’s keep in mind that while our intentions are good, some may take advantage of our excessive kindness. They know they get what they want from us because we never say no.

Let’s focus on ourselves and our priorities, and set boundaries for ourselves. We have the power to choose for ourselves what is best!