How Do I Know If I Have Toxic Friends?

Toxic friendship is not one-sided. The toxic side always refers to at least two. In some cases, in such a human relationship, both parties have obvious toxic behaviors. And in other cases, one party is active and the other is passive. The latter almost always has low self-esteem. This is not about bad or bad, but rather about a flawed and destructive relationship and ways to unite both parties.

Asians have a saying that may seem pretty obvious, but it shows great wisdom: “everyone is always looking for someone like them”. Even in human relationships, consciously or unconsciously,  we always seek and attract those who have similar strengths and weaknesses as we do. It is unusual for someone with good mental health to end up dealing with someone who is truly neurotic or “toxic”. But perhaps low self-esteem and the constant belittling or other harsh treatment experienced in childhood make a person end up in the company of someone who creates a toxic friendship between them.

No one is so disgusted that they have to escape. And no one is so perfect that they live without making a single mistake or that they have nothing to improve. Toxic friendship is destructive, and both parties possess poison.

Sometimes it’s a matter of changing the relationship. And sometimes there is no choice but to break up that relationship. It is important to learn to recognize what symptoms reveal a deficient friendship. Here are a few symptoms:

There are systematic contemptuous remarks in the toxic friendship

Toxic friendships are common in people who suffer from low self-esteem. One of the most damaging aspects of such a friendship is  contemptuous remarks that are not expressed openly. They are expressed in disguise. If such remarks were made openly, they would likely lead to secession. Therefore, irony, sarcasm, and cunning covert communication are used in such a relationship.

The content of such messages is aggressive. They seek to diminish the value of another person or the value of their accomplishments. There is a dichotomy in a toxic friendship: the other party is both an enemy and a friend at the same time. There is distance and intimacy between them at the same time. In order to maintain this two-sided game, covert criticism is used a lot. Usually, this hidden criticism comes from both parties and they continue to use it. They both hurt each other, and they both manage to hide it from each other.

Friendship, or guilty through a “friend”?

There are friends with whom you always seem to break the rules. This is especially true with people whose friendship is based on the use of alcohol or some other addictive substance. There are also cases where a Friendship relationship is maintained only to disguise infidelity, avoidance of duties, and excesses. This is a clear case of support, aid, and the possibility of getting into bad company.

In this case, a friendship is toxic because a “friend” is just a way to support a behavior that is far from positive. Neither is interested in the well-being of either. They simply use each other to bring out the inappropriate aspects of their personalities.

This kind of friendship often ends when the other party wants to improve their quality of life. And, in fact, the other party, on the other hand, is trying to do everything possible to prevent this from happening, because if that happens, they will be left without an accomplice.

You constantly feel unwell

The feeling we have after spending time with a person like that is an obvious symptom of a toxic friendship. You may sometimes feel a sense of pregnancy. You feel mentally exhausted. You may experience some form of irritation, but you will be able to clearly identify the cause. Feelings of sadness and guilt may also appear.

Most likely, this results in a whole network of unconscious symptoms. For this reason, you feel bad about being with such a person, and yet, oddly enough, you are unable to end the Friendship between you. Your alliance between you is neurotic and depends on unconscious feelings and desires. The truth is that all of this exhausts you, but it’s like it’s inevitable to live the same experience over and over again.

Everything revolves around a negative view

There are friends who end up together and always spread negativity. Sometimes this dissemination takes place with knockout criticism of other people. In such a toxic relationship, gossip, intrigue, and slander are freely discussed. They share perspectives that belittle others and that nurture contradictions already. They reinforce each other’s attitudes and this is what unites them.

In other cases, complaints fill the air. But not so much that they need a shoulder to cry against. They fight to see who is the most unfortunate victim or else they try to reinforce each other’s feelings of falling victim to each other. They think about their difficulties and complain about them, but they don’t try to show any desire to get rid of those difficulties. Quite the opposite. They love their wounds and they take care of each other, but they are not interested in healing them at all.

No reciprocity at all

A healthy friendship is based on reciprocity and balance.

However, there are people who only need their friends when they need to demand or ask them for something. They see themselves as people who need a lot from others. And logically the same thing, others have an absolute need to give. Often such individuals do not realize they are doing this because their self-centeredness prevents them from seeing this. Reciprocity occurs when, for example, one is allowed to speak and the other must be silent. Or when the other feels that only their problems are much more important than the other person’s problems. And when the other person has an emergency, this self-centered friend disappears. You can only trust him when all things are perfect.

Toxic friendship takes much more than it gives. In fact, there is very little about friendship here. Maybe there is genuine mutual affection between them, but how that relationship is built and how you live with it causes harm to both parties. The other party is not the problem alone. Another person who passively tolerates such a friendship is also a problem.

We always end up making a little impression on the people we spend time with. If our goal is to always be better, grow, and protect our well-being, it is important that we choose the kind of people with whom to build a friendship.

Photos by Amèlie Fontaine