I’m Married To You, Not To Your Family

In many cultures, like us, a person has the freedom to choose a partner with whom he or she wants to spend the rest of his or her life, but the partner is also accompanied by his or her family and friends. With dating and especially marriage, your partner’s family becomes part of your family as well, and unfortunately you don’t always get along with your partner’s family at all. In the worst case, the partner’s family can become such a big problem in a relationship that it leads to divorce.

A phrase that can be utilized in a difficult in-laws situation is “I’m married to you, I’m not married to your family.” However, it is good to understand that when you get engaged or marry someone, they bring their own world and its people into a relationship. No one can get along with everyone, but maintaining a benevolent and polite relationship with in-laws and other partner family members is important.

Whether we get along with a partner’s family depends on many different factors. Every family is different: some are really close and meet each other every week, others less often. It depends on how much you will be dealing with your partner’s family. You may end up under the same roof with your in-laws, and sometimes they live hundreds of miles away.

Often women get along better with a man’s family and achieve a close relationship with them. This can bring mutual happiness and satisfaction. Sometimes, however, too close proximity can increase the amount of tension and problems.

The worst situation between a partner and a family can be that either party requires your partner to choose between a spouse and a family. The situation develops into two opposing camps: the family and the Spouse, and the partner has to ball between the two in an attempt to maintain peace. There is no equally suitable formula for such a conflict, as it requires analysis and knowledge of the situation. However, there are a few tips for this kind of situation that you can find below.

Even after such an escalating situation, things can still change.  One side of the situation can demand dramatic attention, and if he succeeds in his goal, he may withdraw his claim without making any more fuss about it.

On the other hand, when a person has to choose between a family and a spouse, there are long-standing disputes and disagreements that do not change or weaken over time. Some parents are over-protective of their adult children, and the spouse chosen by the child may not like it:  either they don’t earn enough money, they’re not fit in nature, they annoy in-laws with their behavior… There are many reasons for condemnation, and the view doesn’t change once decided. Parents want to protect their children from heartache, and if they find the child’s partner dangerous or malicious, they want to keep the child away from this.

This can lead to parents taking control of the child’s life and trying to turn the child’s head. Sometimes parents interfere a lot in their child’s life, dictating where they are supposed to live and work – this can be difficult for a partner. Imagine a situation where you are planning a nice holiday trip with your partner but your in-laws don’t want you to leave for some reason: maybe they think you’re spending too much money on a trip, maybe they think the destination is dangerous… This can lead to extreme reactions like travel sabotage and emotional blackmail .

In general, parents who are too involved in a child’s life would not be able to do so without the child’s permission. The child may not have become independent properly, he will trust his parents and let them dictate their own lives. This can lead to parents wanting to protect the child, as if this were still a minor, and the child himself or herself needs parental protection.

However, many children are able to make a nest distinction with their parents when they realize that while the parents ’intentions are good, they interfere too much in the child’s life and make it awkward. It is important for every person to find their own path and make their own decisions, even if their parents don’t like it.

In-laws cannot always be blamed for disputes and clashes within the family . Sometimes the couple themselves cause problems. A typical situation is, for example, when a couple has children and they do not want to spend time with in-laws without a proper reason. Sometimes the other party in a couple can spend a lot of time with their family, for example on holiday trips, but does not invite or exclude their partner.

Is it possible to get along with in-laws?

The answer to this is a strong “yes”. Many people make friends with their partner’s family and they feel that knowing them enriches their lives. There is no reason why you could not get along with your partner’s family. Of course, if it’s a difficult situation or a difficult person, it can make friendships difficult.

Often, deepening the socialization phase involves meeting the spouse’s parents and the rest of the family. This can cause butterflies in the stomach, anxiety, and excitement, as the new partner often feels that the spouse’s family is evaluating him or her at the first meeting and determining if he or she is a “good enough” partner.

Most of the time, this tension recedes and meeting situations become more relaxed and comfortable. Sometimes, however, this is not the case. Sometimes it feels like even if you’ve spent a lot of time with your partner’s family, there’s still the risk that they suddenly decide they don’t like you.

If this feeling never disappears, it is very difficult to build a good relationship with the partner’s family, as no one can endure a situation where they feel constantly under assessment. In a situation like this, we are constantly trying to show our best, to be nice and polite, and we are not able to be completely ourselves. This can lead to difficulties in communicating openly and honestly, which in itself is a response to conflict and avoidance of misunderstandings.

In these situations, however, it is possible to maintain contact with in-laws, even if it is weak, but confrontation can be difficult to avoid, as there is no proper dialogue through which problems can be addressed. If no solution is found to the situation and it is not handled properly, it can remain haunted in the background of the relationship, and surface again later. At the same time, counterparts ’perceptions of one another can become negative and resentments can arise. There is usually relief from the situation through open discussion.

It is important to remember that a good relationship with your partner’s family is important to achieve before entering into marriage. Get to know your partner’s family and be aware of the kind of people you will be dealing with – this will prevent conflicts from arising in the future.

You don’t have to put on a presentation and smile with your teeth grinning every time your partner’s family comes to lunch, but you have to learn to accept the fact that your partner’s parents won’t change and they’ll be in your partner’s life for decades to come.

If you are constantly having disputes with your partner’s family and are not getting along with them, it’s a good idea to look at it from their perspective from time to time. Would you like your partner to have to choose between their family and you? How would you like your partner to behave with respect to a birthday party or Christmas party? What if your partner tells you he or she can’t stand your parents?

It is good to be objective and to assume that we all have pros and cons. We cannot expect others to change if we are not ourselves ready for change. So if your partner’s family isn’t ideal, start focusing on their strengths and qualities instead of negative things – believe me, they can be found in everyone.

If you really love your partner, remember that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him and face both ups and downs. Dealing with intrusive in-laws can even connect you and strengthen the bond between you.

What can I do to get along better with my partner’s family?

It’s a good idea to keep a certain distance to your in-laws, even if you get along well with them. If you become too close, they may feel their right to pop in without calling the village whenever it hurts. On the other hand, if you never see it, it can be difficult to build a lasting relationship. Extremes are not a good thing in human relationships. A couple should maintain a certain degree of independence and be able to make decisions independently of others.

However, there are a few tips to try when a relationship with in-laws is tricky.

1. Start by setting boundaries.  Know what you think is acceptable and what is not when you visit a partner’s family or when they come to the village. Make it clear to your partner right from the start where your boundaries are going. If your in-laws want to hang out with you all Sunday watching TV, this may not fit your plans. Together, set boundaries for what happens in your home and how long you spend time in your parents ’home. You may be confident enough to raise the issue directly with your in-laws, but this may not be a good idea as they may be hurt.
2. Don’t force your partner between a tree and a bark  by demanding that he make a choice between himself and his family. We all have the right to maintain family relationships, to see parents, relatives and siblings. The partner cannot influence what his parents are like, nor can he conjure new parents for himself. If the situation becomes really difficult, don’t spend time with in-laws, but don’t deny your partner seeing them either.
3. Another way to get along with in-laws is to think sometimes about your partner, and not just yourself.  Think about how happy your partner is that you can go to dinner with your in-laws together. Sometimes you do something for your partner even if it is uncomfortable for you, your partner will definitely appreciate this.
4. Try to be yourself. Don’t pretend or pretend to be anything other than what you are. Your partner’s parents want the best for their child, and when you’re on your own, in-laws can get to know you properly. This way, there are no rigid and uncomfortable situations when you can’t find anything to say to each other. Treat your partner’s family with respect, but don’t try to embellish your message too much.