The Psychology Of Charm: What Attracts Us In Other People
If we pause for a moment to think about the things that drew us to the people we love, the big question comes to mind: What drew us to our partner? What drew us to friendship or romance? What helps us maintain these relationships?
We probably can’t answer this very well, because usually our affection develops without even actually noticing it. In any case, Social Psychology gives us information about the psychological ingredients that promote attachment.
The three ingredients of the charm formula
To understand the psychological chemistry that connects us to the people we love, we have three key ingredients. They make us feel attracted to these people, see them with bright eyes, and feel close.
Intimacy: friction makes love
Before a relationship begins, it is absolutely essential that the two people sense each other’s closeness. Being close to someone and feeling that he or she is present in our lives makes us feel great appreciation for this person.
Especially in the beginning, physical intimacy is very important because it promotes a sense of homeliness and security and makes us feel comfortable with the people around us.
This emotional response originates from the fact that in our perception, what is homely is also safe, achievable, and desirable. In other words, over time, the mere presence of people we love makes us feel at home.
Physical attraction: loving another begins and is seen as more beautiful
But we do not just welcome physical and mental intimacy. In addition, there is a need for another ingredient, such as physical attraction, in order to create a tasty recipe for the union of two souls.
There are many tests that find this to be something much more superficial: appearance . It can be confusing, but the appearance of others affects us from the very first moment we are with another. This is because we tend to anticipate or judge by appearance how happy, sensitive, and socially functioning people are. In this sense, the greater the physical charm we perceive, the better the psychological qualities we attribute to such a person.
This may seem unfair, but not all estimates of this fact are. Why? Because the better we get to know someone, the fewer physical imperfections we notice; the physical charm we experience increases over time.
Thus, as Shakespeare wrote in the Midsummer Night’s Dream , ” Love is not seen with the eyes, but with the mind .”
The similarities encourage charm
As is often objectively pointed out , love lasts longer when two people share many common factors, and not just love each other. We tend to start making friends with acquaintances when we get to know each other and feel like we share a suitable amount of common ground.
Thinking, feeling, and being interested in a similar way unites us. But as we all know, it is impossible to agree on everything.
Of course, intimacy, charm, and similarity are not the only ingredients that help us create a beautiful human relationship. We also like people who like us (especially if we have a negative self-image ).
To develop vital love in the face of another human being, we need certain intangible ingredients, a longing for a mixture, emotions, and good energy. This is without a doubt the secret ingredient and the only recipe for a bond between two people.
