When Does Separation Anxiety Become A Problem?

We most often associate separation anxiety with children, but many adults also experience it. It is defined as a feeling of severe anxiety, when a person is separated from their own home or from people with whom they have a strong emotional bond. This includes, for example, parents, grandparents, siblings, children, etc.

The symptoms of this can be mild or really severe, and they are similar in both children and adults. When it occurs in adults, it is believed that they have grown up with this problem. But this is not necessarily the case, as it can appear at any stage of life.

Separation anxiety is the fear of being separated from your own partner, children, workplace, or something else that has a lot of emotional value. It can be really exhausting for the individual who suffers from it, but it is also an “object of affection.” Often it reflects or reinforces an addiction that has already existed to some degree.

The concept of time is not easy, and it will take years to develop. For many children, any difference is difficult and it arouses suffering and tears. And  if it is not orthodoxly controlled by parents, it can have serious consequences, such as feelings of insecurity during adolescence. It can even move on to other stages of life.

As with all anxiety disorders, both in childhood and adulthood, it is really important to seek treatment for separation anxiety. Only in a few cases does separation anxiety disappear naturally. It usually tends to grow, branch into other areas of life, and and increase the development of other forms of anxiety. These include agoraphobia and panic disorder.

The recommended treatment is often psychotherapy. But when it comes to children, the information we gather and some of the tools we provide in this article will help prevent this situation. We will help you see the warning signs of the onset of separation anxiety.

That is a normal step

A certain anxiety about the difference is normal and common at certain stages of development. At the age of 8-14 months, children who previously lacked a sense of danger begin to fear unfamiliar or new places. This “normal phase” is a natural method of adaptation that helps children adapt and manage their environment.

Usually,  this separation anxiety decreases significantly or disappears completely at about two years of age. Children this age understand that their parents can go away, but that they always come back. With this new sense of security, they find the courage to explore the world. 

This does not mean that during some moments or situations, children would not be able to experience a certain degree of anxiety. This anxiety is more likely when they are separated from their parents for an extended period of time,  when they are hospitalized, for example, or when they change schools, etc.

Separation anxiety seems to trigger a lot of different emotions

In a situation like this, parents can experience many different emotions. The feeling of affection for parents developed by children has created a feeling of well-being. Leaving a child with strangers can also create feelings of guilt. It is also common to feel exhausted or overwhelmed by the amount of attention a child needs. 

The fact that our children don’t want us to leave is a good sign of healthy affection. This, of course, is only true as long as this desire does not pave the way for a great deal of anxiety. Healthy affection means there is trust between them. Our children trust that we will come back every time we leave, and this is enough to keep them at rest during our absence. Pathological attachment develops when a child needs reinforcements and safety all the time and when he or she does not have the tools to face new situations. Thus, these situations are difficult for them.

This difficult stage. However, anxiety must disappear over time, with a great deal of patience and strength. On the other hand,  if we rush to our child’s room every time he shouts or if we cancel all our plans for them, it is likely that he will improve his own skills. This is because they become aware that they have the power to avoid this difference that they so fear.

Designing and experimenting with it – two important concepts

If we plan to take our child to kindergarten, we will likely face the separation anxiety we’ve talked about. Children are particularly sensitive at 8 months and one year of age. If we have no other option,  let’s make a difference slowly by taking the child to new places and leaving him or her to be cared for by a relative for short periods of time. Let’s do this until it’s time to leave him in kindergarten.

These “exercises” should be done when our child is not tired, restless, or hungry, but rather when he has eaten and been asleep, in a good mood. She is still a child, and it is much better to make changes when her basic needs are met.

It is a good idea to anticipate enrollment in kindergarten by visiting there before the child’s first day. If possible, let us make the adjustment progressively. On the first day, our child could only be there for a few hours, and then we can increase that time slowly.

Unity, calm and keeping promises – three in-depth guidelines

If we take our children to a particular kindergarten, it is because we trust the employees of that place. In this sense, we must strive to be consistent with this choice. Let them help us manage this difference by following their example. Keep in mind that they have a lot of experience dealing with such problems, and they only want the best for our children.

Let’s stay calm and try to communicate confidence and peace to our children. Let’s explain to them when we’re going back, using concepts they understand. For example,  “after lunch,” “after a nap,”  etc. We can create a ritual where we say goodbye, and when these goodbyes are always warm, comfortable, and loving. Moments when we devote all our attention to them.

Keeping promises

We should come back when we promised to do so. In this way, we promote trust in our child,  and we also help him or her get over the situation better. Let’s be careful, especially during this adjustment process. Even though our child doesn’t have an exact sense of time, he notices how the other children are already leaving, and may worry about whether his parents are arriving at all.

When it’s time to say goodbye, let’s not rush, even if we find them okay. This may make them feel abandoned. Let us not leave until we have said goodbye. But goodbyes should not be extended either. This attitude reinforces the feeling that the kindergarten may be a bad place or that what is happening is really serious.

It is not uncommon for separation anxiety to continue every day or for long periods of time. If we are worried that our child has not adapted to be without us, we can seek help from a professional in the field. It is worth bearing in mind that we may also manage the situation inappropriately. We may need professional help.